falling in love.

I'm thinking about this way too much for my own good.

But a part of me wants that head-over-heels feeling, the wondering if he wants to kiss me, wants to date me, feels the same way about me that I do him.

Alas, I don't really know how to make this happen.

Praying for patience.  And meditating on beauty and what a Christly woman looks like.  And giving my heart to God every day.  He does take good care of it.

hope something works out soon.

xoxo

a few thoughts

Sorry for my lack of updating.  :(

But this is what's been going on...

- I'm getting better and better every day, and I'm really proud of myself for this.
- Ladies' League is doing so well, and it's so wonderful to be a part of it.  Leah and I are planning a Christmas get-together and I'm really excited about it!
- My mom came to a Thanksgiving dinner for phi lamb with me last night, and I got to tell everyone in the room why I'm thankful for her.  It was wonderful.  I'm so blessed that my mom is my mom.  She is so wonderful.  I'm so thankful.
- We're going on chapter retreat for phi lamb tonight and it'll last most of the day tomorrow- so glad for time with all of these beautiful women!
- I'm pumped for Christmas.  Straight-up.  I'm pumped.  My gifts are already coming together!
- We got a new chair in our apartment.  It's one of my favorite chairs of all-time.  So so so so so so excited!
- Working on time management, one of my favorite things.
- The Wesley Foundation has been incredibly blessed by Drew this year.  I'm so thankful for him and his heart being involved at the Wesley, and for pursuing a friendship with me.

Lastly, I've been blessed with wonderful friendships that are growing, all in their own ways.  Shout-outs to follow...

Mom: I know you are my mom, but you are also my friend, and not only that, my very best friend.  I'm so blessed by you.  I'm so thankful you're my mom.  I love talking to and laughing with you, and I oftentimes don't feel like I deserve such a special person in my life, but I do, so I hope to always be making the best of it.  I love you. (I lahve you.)
Krysten: I love being your best friend and you being mine.  I'm looking forward to being in that 2%, and always being your friend.  Always.
Laura: If being your friend is the reason I'm in phi lamb, then that's enough for me.  I love every second I get to spend with you, and I'm definitely looking forward to running together all the time.
Shelby: I'm SO blessed to be your little!  SO SO SO blessed.  It's wonderful that your story is so similar to mine, and that you just listen.  I love it.  I hope we're friends for a long, long time.
CJ: I know you're my cousin but whatever.  You're a wonderful friend, too, and I love just being able to talk to you.  I hope we grow even closer, and stay so close, for forever.
Stephanie:  I love you and I love that we're both in phi lamb!  I'm so proud of you for doing the hard thing with SAI.

I've also been reading the Bible more and more, and it really is a wonderful, living Word, and I am looking forward to reading it more and more and learning more and more.  Praise God for that.

xoxo

I am washed by the Water.

A beautiful, wonderful friend recently told me about this image and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  It's thought-provoking, to say the least.

You and God are in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  Literally, the middle of the ocean... there is nothing around you but the boat, the Lord, and the sea.  In your hands, you clutch a jar filled with dirt, muck and grime- it is everything you harbor in your heart that is not of the Lord, that does not glorify Him.  It is made up of grudges, tears, heart aches, curse words, the deeds you've done before you were wed, and the guilt associated with it all... everything in your life that does not glorify Him.  Further, it is your pain that people of the world have given to you, for whatever reason, whatever the story.  The Lord takes this jar from you and empties it into the water.  You struggle to grab it back, leaning over the side of the boat and splashing the dirty water into your jar, but it was mostly dirt; it has dissipated and it is gone.  The Lord reminds us of this gently, and is there for us (literally present at this moment) when He takes it.

The things I am learning from this story, if it is as true as it seems to be:
1.  When we ask God to take away our hurts, and forgive us of them, He does it.
2.  When He takes these things away, we always want them back because they are familiar and comfortable.  But the Lord didn't create us to be comfortable, and the pain we feel here really is from Him, but it is being replaced by His peace, hope and joy.
3.  The things of this world are dirty and gross.
4.  The Lord is present when our hurt is real.  He does not leave our sides when our hearts ache, whether it is because of real hurt or the pain of being uncomfortable.
5.  Our sin is small compared to the ocean of God's grace (referring to the beautiful lyric, "If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."), but it was not a small feat for God to overcome it, for Jesus to.
6.  Everything the Lord wants of us is for our greater good.  E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
7.  Giving things up is good for you.
8.  Water cleanses and is the wingman to many of Jesus' miracles.

I'm preaching to the choir here, just fyi... I'm desperately trying to learn how to forgive, and it's really, really hard.  This lack of forgiveness is a bucket of muck in and of itself, and just coming close to letting God dump it out is terrifying.  #truth  :)

A quote that I love and find to be quite true.

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea."  (Jack Dinesen)

And the most beautiful truth of all.

This is the one that came by water and blood - Jesus Christ.  He did not come by water only, but by water and blood.  And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. 
1 John 5:6

Water is beautiful and cleansing.  Let it wash you and bring you peace...

I'll be in prayer for you.

xoxo

Wowza!

Today I opened up blogspot for the first time in... ahem... awhile, and I was so happy to see my blog has gotten 353 page views!!!!   So whether it is the same person 353 times or a bunch of people, I just wanted to say thanks for taking time out of your day to read what I have to say.  I'm honored and humbled.  :)

You can follow my blog if you want, too!  I will update you on that when I know how to do it myself. 

I've had some ideas for some posts to make, so keep an eye out... I'm particularly excited about one I'll call Arts & Sciences.  It'll be good.  Come back and read it!

Have a beautiful day, y'all.

xoxo

Personality types

On April 7 of this year, I took a free online Meyers-Briggs personality test, and these were my results:

PERSONALITY TEST RESULTS
Ta-dah, your personality type is ISFJ!
Introverted (I) 79%, Extraverted (E) 21%
Sensing (S) 73%, Intuitive (N) 27%
Feeling (F) 90%, Thinking (T) 10%
Judging (J) 59%, Perceiving (P) 41%
or ISFJ.

Today, six months and ten days later, I took the same test, with these results:

PERSONALITY TEST RESULTS
Ta-dah, your personality type is ESFJ!
Extraverted (E) 50%, Introverted (I) 50%
Sensing (S) 55%, Intuitive (N) 45%
Feeling (F) 90%, Thinking (T) 10%
Judging (J) 73%, Perceiving (P) 27%
or ESFJ.


A summary of the categories and letter representations:

The first letter describes how you get re-energized.  Extraverts spend time with others and introverts spend time alone.  The specific amounts of time, of course, vary depending on the person, but this is generally true.

The second letter describes how you take in information from the world, what you observe, and how you think.  Sensors observe with their senses - what they see, colors, how things feel on their skin, tastes, smells, etc.  If you're intuitive, you think about things, ideas, etc, what it would be like to be in another person's position, etc.

The third letter is how you make decisions.  Feelers focus on the way things make them feel and their decisions are based on this.  Thinkers focus on what makes the most sense and other logical routes.

The final letter is how you work with your time.  Judgers are planners and perceivers are spontaneous and much more comfortable with flying by the seats of their pants.

So, for me, this is what these letters mean:

When I took the test in April, I was much more introverted.  Today I'm 50/50 introverted and extraverted.  I think this is because I'm spending a lot more time with other people and am seeing the value in that.  I feel better more often when I'm with others.  I've also become more intuitive, as oppososed to sensitive, which I think is because I've done a lot more thinking about who I am and my growth, etc.  I just think a lot more in general.  I'm also more of a planner, if that was even possible, which makes sense because I am doing so much with my time that I definitely need to keep it straight.

Isn't this all interesting?  I definitely find it interesting.  When I took the test today, I didn't think anything would really change.  But look at that, I sure have.  Can't figure out if this is a good thing or not.

xoxo

ps.  Famous ISFJs and ESFJs.

ISFJ - St. Teresa de Avila, Robert E. Lee, President William Howard Taft, Kristi Yamaguchi, Ophelia in Hamlet, and Dr. John H. Watson, MD, Sherlock Holmes' sidekick

ESFJ - President Bill Clinton, Desi Arnaz ("Ricky Ricardo"), Terry Bradshaw, Mary Tyler Moore, Steve Spurrier, Sally Field, Monica from Friends, Molly Weasley from Harry Potter, and Donald Duck

TAKE STEPS.

I'm so excited my mom stumbled on this!

Next weekend, I'll be heading up TEAM KELLI in a fundraising walk for CCFA, the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America! 

If you're interested in making a donation to my personal goal of raising $50, reading my story, or joining my team to raise money to our team goal of $200 and walking with us next Sunday, please visit http://bit.ly/geauxteamkelli.  If you'd like to donate to our team goal, visit http://bit.ly/takestepsteamkelli.  If you can't make a donation, don't worry, I completely understand!  I'm a penny-pincher, myself.  In that case, if you feel comfortable, please pray for our team and for the research of Crohn's and colitis!

xoxo

today's thoughts.

Hello.

Today I have a lot of thoughts, which is rather unfortunate because I have a lot to do.  I started my new position at the UREC this morning, now I'm at Princeton Review for 4.5 hours, and then another shift at the UREC from 5-8.  I'm very much looking forward to this crazylong day being over.

I have been a mess the past few days.  I've not been able to breathe very well (thanks pollen!), which ended up with me having a sore throat; I have been completely exhausted, and I have been sad because Monday made a three-month mark of being single.  :(

I feel like I've picked open a scab over a wound.  I was thinking I was getting so much better, but now I picked at it, and all of a sudden, I feel so much worse.  People are suggesting to me that I reach some kind of closure, and to only do things that bring me joy, giving things that bring angst the axe.  All of this makes complete sense, but they come with something that's big and scary and that I don't really want to do - like talking to someone.  Or "breaking up" with the first place I felt like was a home for me when I was a freshman so so long ago.  These things scare me, and I don't really know what to do about them, but on the other hand, I feel myself being super tense and short with my family and friends and pulling away from them, too.  I've been feeling lonely, so by not sharing this with people, I have ended up sealing myself in on the loneliness.  Which is awful.

A sweet long-distance friend texted me for the first time yesterday to check in on me, and when I told him I didn't want to go back to our Christian community (my first home-away-from-home, where he and I met) and where my ex lives and works, he said he thought I needed to give myself a year to grieve.  A whole year!  I can't imagine that.  I really hope I'm much, much better by July 10, 2012.  I want to be.

So I can't get better by sitting still and expecting everything around me to change for me.  I will make a sure effort to shake the lonely feeling.  I will do things that I love, and only for the reason that I love them.  I will talk to my mom and sister and girlfriends to gain advice and reassurance.  I will pray and read and worship my God for bringing me out of something so awful and heart-wrenching, and for never letting go of me while I heal.  I will be disciplined and good at time management so that I get things done and make good grades.  I will write letters for me to keep every day to express my feelings and let them go.  I will write a letter that will be delivered, or I will be brave and strong and ask for a conversation.  Somehow, I will do this.  I'm a strong-ass woman.

I cannot stay in this funk forever.  And I cannot fool myself into thinking I've left the funk when really I'm just skating on thin ice, the funk creeping about below me, less than an inch away from tackling me and taking me down with it.  I will leave it.  I will be better.  And for the first time in years, I will find what it means to be truly happy.  I have missed that feeling; for so long of fooling myself into believing I was, I actually will become it.

Other things that are making me happy today:
- a visit from my best friend in just over 24 hours
- hanging out with her and all of my family this weekend
- my new job is a good one, and I will be very good at it
- hopefully less than one more week where I will be working a kazillion hours
- I opened my acceptance letter to LSU five years ago today
- my roommate is wonderful
- I love my contemporary christian station on pandora

xoxo

psalm 139

1 Lord, you have examined me and know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do.
4 Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it.
5 You are all around me—in front and in back— and have put your hand on me.
6 Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand.
7 Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run from you?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the grave, you are there.
9 If I rise with the sun in the east and settle in the west beyond the sea, 10 even there you would guide me. With your right hand you would hold me.
11 I could say, “The darkness will hide me. Let the light around me turn into night.”
12 But even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as light as the day; darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother’s body.
14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.
15 You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body.
When I was put together there, 16 you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.

17 God, your thoughts are precious to me. They are so many!
18 If I could count them, they would be more than all the grains of sand.
When I wake up, I am still with you.
19 God, I wish you would kill the wicked! Get away from me, you murderers!
20 They say evil things about you. Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly.
21 Lord, I hate those who hate you; I hate those who rise up against you.
22 I feel only hate for them; they are my enemies.
23 God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any bad thing in me. Lead me on the road to everlasting life.

the weekend.

Today I have an evaluation with the Princeton Review for my first 6 weeks of work that will [hopefully] result in a pay raise, then the remainder of a brief, 3.5-hour shift, then I meet up with my parents and maybe my roommate for dinner, then the four of us will attend Tigerama, only the best concert, ever, then my roommate and I will head east to Pensacola for a weekend at the beach.

While at the beach I will hang out with a lot of my friends from the Wesley Foundation, I hope I will not get sunburned, stung by a jellyfish, or pinched by a crab, I will be having Panera Bread at least once and/or Jim n Nick's and Steak n Shake, and I will visit a Publix, for Christ's sake.


beach!!!!!!!!!!!!


xoxo

picturesque

Some things I wanted to share.

Oak trees and Spanish Moss by Lake Pontchartrain in Mandeville.

A pretty view of the LSU lakes.

Sea turtle, whale, and seals; some of the National Geographic pictures of the year.

Me and my Ellie Sue.

hopeful today.

xoxo



glyceraldehyde-3-phosphate, and other such nonsense

Did you know glyceraldehyde-3-phosphate is a thing?

I didn't, until I had to write it about seven times in my studying notes for microbiology just now.

I didn't really think this class would be all that hard... after all, it is only 1000-level.  Surprise! 

I'm about to head to my phi lamb-tastic Monday evening.  I'm really glad about that.

I have to take an online quiz for statistics by tomorrow at midnight... I'm not so glad about that.

My mom and Krysten are super supportive of me and my relationship with the Lord.  When I get wigged out, they help calm me down.   When I'm stressing really hard, Krysten asks what she can do.  When I'm totally daunted by something I've probably fabricated in my own mind, my mom helps set me straight and tells me I'm doing well.

However, my God, as blessed as I am by these women and so many other individuals in my life, it's what's between You and me that matters.  I know You are calling me to something challenging, whether or not I know specifics at this particular time.  I know You are walking right beside me and holding me and helping my heaviness feel not so heavy.  Please don't stop.  Please speak to me.  Please, in Your timing, show me the beauty of the struggles I face today.  Please, in Your time, send me that boy created to walk with me for the rest of my life.  And in the meantime, help me be purified in You, dote on me, show me You love me more than anyone ever will.  And I will always run to You.
In Your most High Name, amen.

xoxo

ps. glyceraldehyde-3-phosphate (G3P) is one of the two things a six-carbon glucose is broken into via an oxidation reaction towards the beginning of the glycolysis process.  You're welcome.

running music

When I went for my "runs" the last two sessions, I've listened to this playlist, in pieces.  I love it so far.

1. "Dog Days Are Over" - Florence + The Machine
2. "Dog Problems" - The Format
3. "Do You Wanna Touch Me" - Glee Cast
4. "Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch Me" - Rocky Horror Glee Show
5. "I and Love and You" - The Avett Brothers
6. "Die Die Die" - The Avett Brothers
7. "You Lie" - The Band Perry
8. "Halo" - Beyonce
9. "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" - Beyonce
10. "Dusk And Summer" - Dashboard Confessional
11. "Don't Carry It All" - The Decemberists
12. "All Arise!" - The Decemberists
13. "Crocodile Rock - LIVE" - Elton John
14. "Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye
15. "Only Wanna Be With You" - Hootie & The Blowfish
16. "I Go Blind" - Hootie & The Blowfish
17. "Baby" - Justin Bieber
18. "Stronger" - Kanye West
19. "California Girls" - Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg
20. "Bulletproof" - La Roux
21. "Roll Away Your Stone" - Mumford & Sons
22. "Sigh No More" - Mumford & Sons
23. "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea" - Neutral Milk Hotel
24. "On the Radio" - Regina Spektor
25. "We Shine" - Steve Fee
26. "Chicago" - Sufjan Stevens
27. "Orbiting" - The Weepies
28. "What Is This Feeling?" - Wicked Cast
29. "Don't Trust Me" - 3OH!3

I want to add more.  I think it needs more Katy Perry, Decemberists, Bieber and Mumford & Sons, and the addition of some Nycki Minaj, Taylor Swift, needtobreathe, and other Christian artists. 

In other news, I'm thinking about a big "project" I think God is calling me to.  I'm not sure yet.  I'm praying some more.  But the idea of it is overwhelming, to say the least.

xoxo

run three...

Today will be run #3 and I'm starting to get a little wigged out about the whole thing... It's a little stressful to make sure I'm running the right amount of time and figuring out where to run, etc.  I like it but it's hard.  Plus, when I ran on Tuesday, I didn't have enough time for the whole 30 minute run, so I only did the run/walk sets for 18 minutes. 

BUT it's going to be good anyway!  And I really am looking forward to lacing up my sneakers tonight.

Other positives today...
- gonna see Mom sometime tomorrow!
- long morning in my apt :)
- I will study today.
- talking to Krysten on the phone makes me happy.
- spending time with my roommate does, too.
- last night's lightning storm was epic.  check it...

I really have the best people in my life, and the best friends.  I'm so, so blessed.  Thank you so much, God.  :)

xoxo

best friend love

From now on, wherever I go, wherever you go, the ground is holy between us. As you leave, you stay within the hospitable solitude of my heart. - Henri Norwen

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
Irish blessing

I saw that.

Is this real life?

Rude.

For the love of God, someone turn on the fan!

You're such a Methodist.

folderfolderfolderfolderfolder


true love.
xoxo

it's the little things

Here are some little things about me that you may or may not already know.

- I look for palindromes on the mileage on my car (i.e. 92429).  Also, birthdays.  (i.e. 121188 will be my birthday)
- I am not good at keeping up with the laundry as it moves from washer to dryer to folding to dresser or closet.
- I can't stand hair when it's not on my head, like in my hairbrush and on the floor.
- Needles used to wig me out, but they don't anymore.
- Poor use of apostrophes drive me bonkers.  It's is different than its.
- So does poor use of capitalization.
- I don't like it when plans are changed unexpectedly, but I really can handle it.
- I don't like it when marching bands don't make straight lines when they're supposed to be in straight lines.  You can always tell these things.
- I hate overuse of the f-word.  "F-in this and f-in that you f-in f-er" loses the punch of the word. 
- I don't really like confrontation.  (that's putting it lightly)
- I like to do math.  Not the really complicated kind.  I just like formulas and letting everything work itself out.
- I don't like it when the other team's band plays during football plays.  I think Les should always complain when that happens because the GBFTL never does that.  Respect.
- There's not much about UGA that I like.
- I color-code my life.
- I find secret, great joy in cleaning the counters.
- I watch the series of Friends over and over.
- "When Harry Met Sally" is my all-time favorite movie.  I watch it whenever I need to be cheered up, and other times, too.
- I can type 84 words per minute.
- I can play all the notes on my clarinet (a chromatic scale) really fast.
- Mozart's Clarinet Concerto, a very famous clarinet piece (one of the first written for the instrument to have a solo), was one of the two pieces I played for Dr. O'Dell when I was accepted to LSU.
- I was only in one Pregame when I was in Tiger Band.
- I sing in my car and dance when it's appropriate (sometimes I'm driving so I can't!)
- I will always eat macaroni and cheese or a grilled cheese sandwich.  Always.
- If you want to win my heart, do these things: 

1. Open doors for me, especially car doors.
2. Take me to see an orchestra play.  Don't take me to see an orchestra play something contemporary because I won't like it.
3. Hold my hand.
4. Listen to me talk about things I "nerd out" about - marching band, music history, LSU, etc.  And let me listen and be interested in the things you "nerd out" about.
5. Flirt with me.
6. Cook me food, particularly breakfast.
7. Love my dog.
8. Spend time with me and my family and my friends, and laugh with us.  I will do the same for you, of course.
9. Laugh at things I say that I think are funny... Enjoy me when I think I'm hilarious.
10. Take me on dates that you plan for me.

xoxo

bummy day

Today is the bummiest of all days.

I woke up and felt like I've forgotten how to sleep.  My neck is killing me and I have been seriously clenching my jaw when I sleep, so my head is killing me.  I have a ridiculous bump on my forehead that is seriously painful, like I got bit by something.  It's not just a zit.  Then, even though the first thing I did when I woke up was reading a devotional and journaling and praying, my heart is still in knots.  (luckily this one is emotional, not physical.)

I want to keep growing, and everyone is saying that I'm getting better (yay!), but I really feel so sad.  I miss my friend, but our relationship was bad for me for sure, and was probably bad for him, too, which makes me sad. 

Focusing on positives:
- my hair and makeup are very pretty today.
- my mom and Krysten are so patient with me.
- first official phi lamb meetings tonight.
- I am in the top two choices for a new position at the UREC.

xoxo

run one

Tonight after I get off work, I'm heading to the trail around the LSU lakes to go for a run.  Yes, I'm nervous.  I'm not planning to run straight for a certain period of time or distance, just a walk/run pattern to start getting my breathing right and my muscles loose. 

Okay, I said I was nervous, but I am also excited.  I hope the weather won't be too hot and humid and that I will survive and actually want to get back out there.  I hope this is the only "first run" I have this time... usually it's "Yay I'm going for a run!" then it's "oh crap I haven't run in a week."  The running plan I'm starting has a specific plan for each day of the week for 8 weeks.  So that's what I'm doing.  Plus, all that time outside will be glorious.  And I'll have some fantastic music to listen to.  (I'm especially looking forward to creating an epic running playlist.)

When I get home I have a few other things on queue to be excited about, like reading my Bible, watching a TV show or two (I'm interested in PanAm, want to watch more Modern Family, and need to watch the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy), working on organizing my planner/life, and eating macaroni and cheese.

xoxo

let's try this again...

So here I am again.

I am just trying this out and I can't make any promises about how awesome it's going to be or not be.  But I can promise a few things.

Here you will find the notes of a healing heart and the ways the Lord is working on me.

Here you will find honest excitement, honest hopes, honest joys, honest hurts, honest honesty.

Here you will find links to things around the Internet that I find enjoyable.

Here you will find glimpses of me that I hope you will like, but I will try to not let it get to me if you don't.  This is a lesson I'm learning: that only one opinion matters.

Here you will find me finding me.  Yes that made sense.

Here you will find me learning what my style is.  Shallow, yes.  But it's important to me.

Here you will find me ranting & raving about pop culture in TV, movie, magazine and book form, all three of which I honestly enjoy.

Here you will find verses, passages, tidbits from journals and devotionals, and quotes from my interactions with others that are centered on the Lord.  I am aiming to make Him more of the center of my life.

Here you will find me talking about my dog.  Yes, it's gonna happen.

Here you will find me talking about a recipe I've tried, a run I attempted, a splurge I made.

Here you will find me being dramatic (but I do try to tone it down!).

But most importantly, here you will find me, and I hope you will visit more than once.

xoxo