today's thoughts.

Hello.

Today I have a lot of thoughts, which is rather unfortunate because I have a lot to do.  I started my new position at the UREC this morning, now I'm at Princeton Review for 4.5 hours, and then another shift at the UREC from 5-8.  I'm very much looking forward to this crazylong day being over.

I have been a mess the past few days.  I've not been able to breathe very well (thanks pollen!), which ended up with me having a sore throat; I have been completely exhausted, and I have been sad because Monday made a three-month mark of being single.  :(

I feel like I've picked open a scab over a wound.  I was thinking I was getting so much better, but now I picked at it, and all of a sudden, I feel so much worse.  People are suggesting to me that I reach some kind of closure, and to only do things that bring me joy, giving things that bring angst the axe.  All of this makes complete sense, but they come with something that's big and scary and that I don't really want to do - like talking to someone.  Or "breaking up" with the first place I felt like was a home for me when I was a freshman so so long ago.  These things scare me, and I don't really know what to do about them, but on the other hand, I feel myself being super tense and short with my family and friends and pulling away from them, too.  I've been feeling lonely, so by not sharing this with people, I have ended up sealing myself in on the loneliness.  Which is awful.

A sweet long-distance friend texted me for the first time yesterday to check in on me, and when I told him I didn't want to go back to our Christian community (my first home-away-from-home, where he and I met) and where my ex lives and works, he said he thought I needed to give myself a year to grieve.  A whole year!  I can't imagine that.  I really hope I'm much, much better by July 10, 2012.  I want to be.

So I can't get better by sitting still and expecting everything around me to change for me.  I will make a sure effort to shake the lonely feeling.  I will do things that I love, and only for the reason that I love them.  I will talk to my mom and sister and girlfriends to gain advice and reassurance.  I will pray and read and worship my God for bringing me out of something so awful and heart-wrenching, and for never letting go of me while I heal.  I will be disciplined and good at time management so that I get things done and make good grades.  I will write letters for me to keep every day to express my feelings and let them go.  I will write a letter that will be delivered, or I will be brave and strong and ask for a conversation.  Somehow, I will do this.  I'm a strong-ass woman.

I cannot stay in this funk forever.  And I cannot fool myself into thinking I've left the funk when really I'm just skating on thin ice, the funk creeping about below me, less than an inch away from tackling me and taking me down with it.  I will leave it.  I will be better.  And for the first time in years, I will find what it means to be truly happy.  I have missed that feeling; for so long of fooling myself into believing I was, I actually will become it.

Other things that are making me happy today:
- a visit from my best friend in just over 24 hours
- hanging out with her and all of my family this weekend
- my new job is a good one, and I will be very good at it
- hopefully less than one more week where I will be working a kazillion hours
- I opened my acceptance letter to LSU five years ago today
- my roommate is wonderful
- I love my contemporary christian station on pandora

xoxo